Beginning of the end

Time for some warp drive.

Today I had to face the needle, actually two. The day might as well have been nurse ratchet coming at me with a 2 foot needle and maniacal laughter - yes I reverted back to infancy.

I slept OK last night, tried to at least after going to bed 3 hours later than I should have. All day I was having mini panic attacks about going for the Sacroiliac Joint Injections. I was a moron and got online and searched out the procedure and read other's comments and had reached a level of mania that I couldn't turn off. I was talking myself out of the procedure every passing minute. By the time I had gotten home from work all I could do was say I don't think I can do this. I forced myself to my PPD group, hoping to find the needed encouragement to balance my racing mind. Group went well, and was a better distraction than anything else.

I woke up normal time - 5am - and fed bubay. She was so happy to get to snuggle with mommy for a change and go back to sleep - the blessing of working home is that I don't have to get up to get ready...just roll out of bed and log in so I had an extra 2 hours of slumber. I was able to relax and fall back asleep and woke up rested. I logged into my work and started my day. I was busy enough to keep me away from my anxiety, so much so that I almost forgot that I had a 2 hour fast coming up quickly so I needed to down some Gatorade and Honey Nut Cheerios 10 minutes before my fast was to begin.

Here comes the panic...

I kissed bubay and grabbed my xrays and MRI envelope, put a spare gatorade in my purse and some butter mints for the given pass out, and loaded into the car. I don't remeber speaking much, and hubby knew now was no time for a lecture. He did reassure me every so often that I'll be ok and it will all be over soon. Damn...stopped traffic on 422...I hate construction. At least I could bitch about something other than those shots for a few minutes.

The closer we got to the doctors office the louder my heart sounded and the faster my breath escaped. Damn it. It won't hurt...just a sting...they numb it...I can do it. Rich can hold my hand. We arrived at the procedure suite on time, and then we waited...an hour. One excruciating hour. I didn't open my mouth except to bitch about the pain of the wait. I couldn't make up my mind whether it was better to hurry and get it over with or prolong the inevitable for a few more minutes of hysteria. Neither was an option I wanted.

Finally there the waiting room was empty and even the receptionist left her desk for lunch. They called me in and I grabbed Rich's hand and walked towards the door. "O, no dear, I'm sorry, he ca't come with you." "WHAT?!" "I'm sorry, but the procedure is done under floroscopy and no one can be in there." "Well you give me a twilight or something don't you?" "No, I don't know what gave you that idea." "I'm not doing this. I can't do this. No. No. No. No. Uh huh. I can't." "It's up to you, dear." "No it's not up to me...I have to do this, but I can't."

I was paralyzed. I couldn't move through the door, but I couldn't run away from it either. Then I started to cry and gave in to the nurses pull.

I sat on the table and started mumbling and shaking and trying to get a hold of myself. The doc comes and introduces herself and says that I can take a bit it'll be ok. And if I need to stop they will stop. Then she goes, "why didn't you take your valium?" "What valium...I'm breastfeeding." "Oooooooo". Suddenly all the staff started to swarm around me in comfort instead of exasperation.