So my experiment has failed and the answer is, no, 1 voice cannot be heard in a crowd of a billion. Pity, really, I was looking forward to some good debate and action-oriented sentiment and a bit if a rally. I'm not that surprised, honestly, zombies are too self-absorbed to listen for that falling tree.
Post Partum evokes a cloud and suffocating and general confusion and fear. Regular misery and sorrow bring about something slightly different - similar to emotions on ADD. Once again I am faced with the fragile reality of my state of mind (or self - as the case may be). For the duration of my working life I have always, when the opportunity existed, taken the last two weeks of the year as vacation, a time to recharge, my summer vacation - since I never can afford to take holiday in the sunshine. I have worked for the same person for 13 of these working years and have always taken this time off. Suddenly, after two months prior approval, five days before my much anticipated vacation is about to begin, I am informed that it is unusual for him to have approved 2 weeks since he feels it's a support hole and feels that I need to warm a seat. Now mind you I have a company supplied blackberry and laptop and am very reachable in the event that something cannot wait for my return. I am, to say the least, devastated.
I have earned the support of my boss over years of hard work, determination and dedication. The only time in my life that I have been a less than stellar employee was during the throes of my post partum suffering. I have worked double time since then, been available 24/7, cancelled vacation days, worked while sick, at 10 pm, during dinner, while I had plans with my daughter...you name it I have bent over front and back to prove that I am and have worth (contrary to what resembled a preformance appraisal during post partum hell). I know the man is busy, but this is no way to treat a valued employee who has earned the time she is entitled to, he has stopped listening to the world around him, become so PC as to be un-PC. After 13 years, wouldn't I have known of a 1 week at a time rule? After 13 years, and 5 years in the same position, wouldn't we have this all worked out by now?
I spent the day in between tears and confusion yesterday. I spent my evening in between anger and deep breaths. I spent my night tossing and turning and generally suffocating and becoming frozen in the tundra of the new American Life. I tuned into some old friends that kept me company in the darkness of my search for me, the death of my father, my education. I wallowed in the comforting place of music and memories. This morning I drove into work with A Perfect Circle at top volume blanking my brain to allow some numbness to cleanse my thoughts. I'm sitting here at my desk with a resentment and scorn for a person I have always respected and valued and a job I used to love. I don't have any more to give.
I'm tired of being sad and unhappy. I'm exhausted to my core. Some days I don't feel like it's worth it, and if it wasn't for my little angel I wouldn't make it to see the dawn. And then I get it. Or think I may. My working problems only began with my pregnancy and have continued since. A friend asked if I am perhaps giving less than I used to or is it obvious that my priority is no longer work. The answer is no, I work harder and longer, but perhaps the flaw is not in my work but in someone else's perception of a working mom. I'm afraid to step here. This is territory that screams danger. Usually I take that step because I like the good old fashion debate, pushing the envelope to remind people to think and use logic and reality to stop being controlled and led blindly, and to make sure that the little person is not stepped on and beaten down. But here...I am most afraid. The implications are serious and the fall out too dangerous for my family that is already one breath away from drowning.
14 December 2010
10 December 2010
Can One Voice be Heard in a Crowd of Billions
I used to laugh or ignore my sisters and friends when they talked about zombies and the recent onslaught of zombie movies and chachkies and whatnots, not to mention the fabulous "How to Survive a Zombie Attack" posters available to all interested parties. Then I begin to think...what a perfect metaphor for what I see has become of the US citizen. And I am not excluded from this generalized statement either.
We are fat and lazy and removed from all sense of the community of earthlings let alone residents of the country. I'm the last person to claim I am patriotic, and this, my friends, has N.O.T.H.I.N.G. to do with patriotizm, but instead a call to empathy and compassion and respect for humankind. Technology has enabled us to remove ourselves from the reality of the human plight and reinforce we are but the cancer of the earth. We can sit behind a screen and keyboard and say, "O yeah, I'm against that" or "I will join you in your cyber-world sit in" and just hit send to donate money or food or goods to those in need. But what this does is remove our soul and consciousness of the darkness that we are creating. We don't realize that the donation is going to our neighbor's house, or that arguement has gotten physical, or that kid just joined a gang because he's afraid of what tomorrow with bring - we turn our heads and go back to our games, and songs, and movies, and virtual world and tune out - we no longer need Leary's Tune Out opiates. We've lost sight of our community and the living breathing web that we live and that when one strand breaks it will affect the entire delicate foundation.
I challenge you to go to that soup kitchen and serve the food, volunteer at an orphanage and spend quality time with the youth of tomorrow, report the pet abuse or spousal abuse or child abuse or rape or car jacking! Connect with your human kind. Stop letting fear and ignorance destroy what has made us unique. This is by no means a Pay it Forward sentiment. This is meant as a lifestyle adjustment - one action, though it can make a difference, must be repeated for a total change to occur: a return to community. We suffer the consequense of our own needs to be special and have something and be someone and appear a certain way...instead all this has done is make us all the same, and useless. I remember my grandmother saying it takes a village to raise a child...and being a new monther I now understand that concept. We have been foolish with our drive to be independent and separate ourselves from our roots, our DNA our history. Humans have made it this far because we worked together and for each other. The further we slip away from what makes us human the more we have become the zombies.
We the people have also lost sight of WE THE PEOPLE. By no means do I single out a president, congress, House, Senate, Commissions, Associations, State, Local...I blame ALL of them. The agenda no longer concerns itself with THE PEOPLE, but a person or group or flippant ideology: a distraction from the important issues. America was built as a new land to include personal, religious, and many other freedoms as a RIGHT, not a luxury. Machiavelli was not invited to this new land...yet I look around and see his Prince everywhere.
I overhear one person say, "O you can't say that or you'll get put on a list," or my favorite, "I wouldn't go and say that...you might make them mad and they'll (insert verb here) and ruin it for the rest of us." WE THE PEOPLE are afraid. We are being governed by fear. We don't need to opiate our masses...although we seem to keep the pharmas in business these days...we are sheep, zombies, fearful little creatures who can't stand up and fight anymore. We sometimes picket and sign petitions and babble to our neighbor...but we don't DO anything. We assume it could be worse or it'll work out somehow or we accept that our fight is meaningless or won't make a difference in the end. We bicker and bumble around in circles always chasing our proverbial tail. We as humankind have devolved while our machinery now houses more intelligence and control and sophistication.
Consider our modern day entertainment and our obsession with "reality" TV, which thankfully is waning from our mainstream channels. We focus on pitting one person against another, glamourizing what should be considered in poor taste, disgusting and disrespectful. We no longer respect anyone including ourselves. We unashamedly cheer on the lowest form of human behavior and then make them role models for the next generation - my apologies to the Snookie and Situation fans. I'm all for sex, drugs and rock n roll, foul language, and pushing the envelope, yet there is a point when we've taken it to an extreme and have set the bar so low that the world sits back and laughs at what should be our shame. People should be free to be who they are; no one should judge based on race, religion, weight, sexual preference or any other difference, therefore, why glamorize the hate of it all.
Our media outlets sensationalize the small stuff and make issue where there should be none. They contribute to the fear mongering of our leaders. We fled the princes and kings and monarchs and oligarchs that behaved in these tyrannical and hypocritical and demoralizing ways - how could we welcome these symbols back into our lives. The News, as it is called, runs ADD segments of horor and misery in a tone that elicits the worst emotional response. No wonder we all have panic anxiety disorder and live in a perpatual state of depression and manic expression. We hear of this shooting and that death and this fire and that accident and this weapon and that funeral and this storm and that economic bomb and this riot and that disease and this loss and that loss and I could go on with every negative imagry available at my disposal. And the happy children who received gifts from Toys for Tots get 15 seconds until we are redirected to the local amber alert. What SHAME. The Media fuels the fear so that we remain puppets and zombies. All the news stations say "exclusive:" All our magazines claim "best results." All our commercials state "may cause serious side effects." Yet we follow like fools, unquestioning, afraid with eyes faced downward.
You ask, "Well do you have any answers or resolutions?" Or you ask, "What what the hell are you actually doing about it then?!" Have you mummbled, "I'm not fat, lazy, a zombie or otherwise." Or maybe you are calling me an idiot or liberal or far something. I choose to call myself me. I don't care if you like me, agree or disagree with me. I just want to know if one voice can be heard in a crowd of billons.
We are fat and lazy and removed from all sense of the community of earthlings let alone residents of the country. I'm the last person to claim I am patriotic, and this, my friends, has N.O.T.H.I.N.G. to do with patriotizm, but instead a call to empathy and compassion and respect for humankind. Technology has enabled us to remove ourselves from the reality of the human plight and reinforce we are but the cancer of the earth. We can sit behind a screen and keyboard and say, "O yeah, I'm against that" or "I will join you in your cyber-world sit in" and just hit send to donate money or food or goods to those in need. But what this does is remove our soul and consciousness of the darkness that we are creating. We don't realize that the donation is going to our neighbor's house, or that arguement has gotten physical, or that kid just joined a gang because he's afraid of what tomorrow with bring - we turn our heads and go back to our games, and songs, and movies, and virtual world and tune out - we no longer need Leary's Tune Out opiates. We've lost sight of our community and the living breathing web that we live and that when one strand breaks it will affect the entire delicate foundation.
I challenge you to go to that soup kitchen and serve the food, volunteer at an orphanage and spend quality time with the youth of tomorrow, report the pet abuse or spousal abuse or child abuse or rape or car jacking! Connect with your human kind. Stop letting fear and ignorance destroy what has made us unique. This is by no means a Pay it Forward sentiment. This is meant as a lifestyle adjustment - one action, though it can make a difference, must be repeated for a total change to occur: a return to community. We suffer the consequense of our own needs to be special and have something and be someone and appear a certain way...instead all this has done is make us all the same, and useless. I remember my grandmother saying it takes a village to raise a child...and being a new monther I now understand that concept. We have been foolish with our drive to be independent and separate ourselves from our roots, our DNA our history. Humans have made it this far because we worked together and for each other. The further we slip away from what makes us human the more we have become the zombies.
We the people have also lost sight of WE THE PEOPLE. By no means do I single out a president, congress, House, Senate, Commissions, Associations, State, Local...I blame ALL of them. The agenda no longer concerns itself with THE PEOPLE, but a person or group or flippant ideology: a distraction from the important issues. America was built as a new land to include personal, religious, and many other freedoms as a RIGHT, not a luxury. Machiavelli was not invited to this new land...yet I look around and see his Prince everywhere.
I overhear one person say, "O you can't say that or you'll get put on a list," or my favorite, "I wouldn't go and say that...you might make them mad and they'll (insert verb here) and ruin it for the rest of us." WE THE PEOPLE are afraid. We are being governed by fear. We don't need to opiate our masses...although we seem to keep the pharmas in business these days...we are sheep, zombies, fearful little creatures who can't stand up and fight anymore. We sometimes picket and sign petitions and babble to our neighbor...but we don't DO anything. We assume it could be worse or it'll work out somehow or we accept that our fight is meaningless or won't make a difference in the end. We bicker and bumble around in circles always chasing our proverbial tail. We as humankind have devolved while our machinery now houses more intelligence and control and sophistication.
Consider our modern day entertainment and our obsession with "reality" TV, which thankfully is waning from our mainstream channels. We focus on pitting one person against another, glamourizing what should be considered in poor taste, disgusting and disrespectful. We no longer respect anyone including ourselves. We unashamedly cheer on the lowest form of human behavior and then make them role models for the next generation - my apologies to the Snookie and Situation fans. I'm all for sex, drugs and rock n roll, foul language, and pushing the envelope, yet there is a point when we've taken it to an extreme and have set the bar so low that the world sits back and laughs at what should be our shame. People should be free to be who they are; no one should judge based on race, religion, weight, sexual preference or any other difference, therefore, why glamorize the hate of it all.
Our media outlets sensationalize the small stuff and make issue where there should be none. They contribute to the fear mongering of our leaders. We fled the princes and kings and monarchs and oligarchs that behaved in these tyrannical and hypocritical and demoralizing ways - how could we welcome these symbols back into our lives. The News, as it is called, runs ADD segments of horor and misery in a tone that elicits the worst emotional response. No wonder we all have panic anxiety disorder and live in a perpatual state of depression and manic expression. We hear of this shooting and that death and this fire and that accident and this weapon and that funeral and this storm and that economic bomb and this riot and that disease and this loss and that loss and I could go on with every negative imagry available at my disposal. And the happy children who received gifts from Toys for Tots get 15 seconds until we are redirected to the local amber alert. What SHAME. The Media fuels the fear so that we remain puppets and zombies. All the news stations say "exclusive:" All our magazines claim "best results." All our commercials state "may cause serious side effects." Yet we follow like fools, unquestioning, afraid with eyes faced downward.
You ask, "Well do you have any answers or resolutions?" Or you ask, "What what the hell are you actually doing about it then?!" Have you mummbled, "I'm not fat, lazy, a zombie or otherwise." Or maybe you are calling me an idiot or liberal or far something. I choose to call myself me. I don't care if you like me, agree or disagree with me. I just want to know if one voice can be heard in a crowd of billons.
08 December 2010
Of Mice and Moors
Romeo and Juliet - star crossed lovers - destined for destruction and misery...no Cinderella tale for them. And I begin contemplate Disney versus Shakespeare.
Both Juliet and Cinderella were high born, and both were banned from their love. Romeo from perhaps the other side of the tracks or the opposing palace, depending on whose interpretation you ascribe, and Prince Charming, ruler of the kingdom. Why does Cinderella live happily ever after, but Juliet suffer death and pain? Is Disney to blame for our perpetual belief that it will all work out in the end or that we will find gold at the end of the rainbow? Was Shakespeare the realist that kept the population in check from run-away fantasies and behavior?
The comparisons and contradictions zip around behind my eyes. I'm not able to focus...so I wonder...am I to be Juliet or Cinderella.
I always tell my husband that if it's not worth fighting for it isn't worth anything at all, and I believe we are worth fighting for. Then he replies that he doesn't believe in fighting for anything, you should just walk away - this coming from a man with some anger issues that have been a source of legal trouble for him in the past - does he even know who he is. There in lies the fundamental difference in our foundations. By nature I am a peacemaker, but when it comes to something I believe in my battle gear comes out. Perhaps I should look to our modern love stories as well if I am going to blame our books and movies on our perceptions...in today's world we always see the guy fighting to win over his lady. We consider this chivalrous and manly and honorable because those that don't always lose. We say this is romance and that is what it's all about. So again we have the venus versus mars syndrome.
It takes 2 to make any relationship work, but not 50/50. A wise person once explained to me that a relationship is 70/30...at any time one person is pulling 70 and the other 30, then at another time it is reversed. So why then do we perpetually expect 50/50...come on now...this has nothing to do with equality. So when trying to maintain the relationship and survive the hurdles life throws does someone throw in the towel instead of pulling their 70 (or 30) percent of the current burden. We all need a hand at some point...and aren't you supposed to be able to rely on your better half?
I'm so tired of the lemons....I hate lemonade. I don't really feel I have the right to complain since there are others far worse off than I and with situations out of a nightmare instead of daily life dredgery. I will allow myself the disappointment and saddness though...I am human. Time to eat an apple or prick my finger or something like that....I'm keeping away from the damned spots because they never end well.
Both Juliet and Cinderella were high born, and both were banned from their love. Romeo from perhaps the other side of the tracks or the opposing palace, depending on whose interpretation you ascribe, and Prince Charming, ruler of the kingdom. Why does Cinderella live happily ever after, but Juliet suffer death and pain? Is Disney to blame for our perpetual belief that it will all work out in the end or that we will find gold at the end of the rainbow? Was Shakespeare the realist that kept the population in check from run-away fantasies and behavior?
The comparisons and contradictions zip around behind my eyes. I'm not able to focus...so I wonder...am I to be Juliet or Cinderella.
I always tell my husband that if it's not worth fighting for it isn't worth anything at all, and I believe we are worth fighting for. Then he replies that he doesn't believe in fighting for anything, you should just walk away - this coming from a man with some anger issues that have been a source of legal trouble for him in the past - does he even know who he is. There in lies the fundamental difference in our foundations. By nature I am a peacemaker, but when it comes to something I believe in my battle gear comes out. Perhaps I should look to our modern love stories as well if I am going to blame our books and movies on our perceptions...in today's world we always see the guy fighting to win over his lady. We consider this chivalrous and manly and honorable because those that don't always lose. We say this is romance and that is what it's all about. So again we have the venus versus mars syndrome.
It takes 2 to make any relationship work, but not 50/50. A wise person once explained to me that a relationship is 70/30...at any time one person is pulling 70 and the other 30, then at another time it is reversed. So why then do we perpetually expect 50/50...come on now...this has nothing to do with equality. So when trying to maintain the relationship and survive the hurdles life throws does someone throw in the towel instead of pulling their 70 (or 30) percent of the current burden. We all need a hand at some point...and aren't you supposed to be able to rely on your better half?
I'm so tired of the lemons....I hate lemonade. I don't really feel I have the right to complain since there are others far worse off than I and with situations out of a nightmare instead of daily life dredgery. I will allow myself the disappointment and saddness though...I am human. Time to eat an apple or prick my finger or something like that....I'm keeping away from the damned spots because they never end well.
Assholeness Part Deux
Today's world is unique and our generation is suffering the consequenses of it's own design. We grew up in the opiated 70s and prosperous 80s and tech revolution. We have access to information and distractions that our grandparents couldn't even dream. We are now the ones raising disrespectful, selfish children and don't take resposibility or accept blame for anything and we pass that onto to the next generation in the process. We behave like spoiled brats that are owed something. Admittedly, I'm guilty of the I've earned it mentality myself. We have no community and we stand up for nothing or only in word, not action. Take, for instance, all our Facebook status adventures...do we believe that we are making a difference just by saying so. We are dumb, stupid, ignorant and arrogant. Our easy lifestyles have made zombies out of us all.
Women are entering the workforce in droves. The unemployment of America has hit everyone, but our men seem to cry poor me...I am man and now I feel emasculated. Some blame their women, some the government, but none stop for a second to ponder their part in this puzzle. We are greedy and selfish as a people. We don't care about anyone, including ourselves. We feast on cakes and wine and must have things, instead of remembering what's important in life...life itself. We can't take things with us. Frankly, we don't even know if there is a place beyond here. Things are fleeting and easy: instant gratification and temporary happiness. The love I have for my daughter can never be described or replaced or explained. The emotions I have for those people who bless my life in many different ways makes the hardships seem bareable.
I cannot take anyone elses blame any longer. I cannot accept anyone elses cranial malfunctions another minute. I cannot carry the world one more breath. I didn't hear Atlas got laid off, and really...you can't outsource his job.
Women are entering the workforce in droves. The unemployment of America has hit everyone, but our men seem to cry poor me...I am man and now I feel emasculated. Some blame their women, some the government, but none stop for a second to ponder their part in this puzzle. We are greedy and selfish as a people. We don't care about anyone, including ourselves. We feast on cakes and wine and must have things, instead of remembering what's important in life...life itself. We can't take things with us. Frankly, we don't even know if there is a place beyond here. Things are fleeting and easy: instant gratification and temporary happiness. The love I have for my daughter can never be described or replaced or explained. The emotions I have for those people who bless my life in many different ways makes the hardships seem bareable.
I cannot take anyone elses blame any longer. I cannot accept anyone elses cranial malfunctions another minute. I cannot carry the world one more breath. I didn't hear Atlas got laid off, and really...you can't outsource his job.
I'm not letting general assholeness ruin my holidays
I'm still here. Long vacation, eh...lost a little in life's labrynth. I could apologize, but really I don't have to. I've wanted so many times to drop in and leave a note...but I found I was too happy to write, too tired to elaborate, too angry to articulate, just not today. Today, however, I feel the need to complain, generally vent, be the ass I am and share my dirty laundry.
When is something unfixable? I mean...at what point do you just decide that it's broken beyond repair or the previous repairs haven't fixed the problem? So you have this old car that you love; it's been your best friend through cold winter snow storms and hot summers to the shore, you've belted out dance tunes and sad songs inside it's metal protection on your crusing getaways, but you dump money into every month...when do you send it to the car graveyard and buy a new one? Or when do you decide it's not even worth donating...just chuck it? I'm a tosser. My parents were pack rats so I keep very little and it has to have extreme sentimental value (even then I can sometimes justify the decluttering). So I apparently don't really know how to translate that to my life outside of "things." So I ponder...I would never toss out my child even though I have to leave the room to catch my breath and count to ten sometimes. Or my pets even with their costs and frustrations when they pee outside the litterbox or scratch up the rug. Or my sisters or mother or my family in general if they are having turmoil that conflicts. Or my friends even if they offend me at times. So why then would I even consider that for my partner?
I keep promises. I make committments firmly and dedicate to their fullfillment - sometimes even to my detriment. I believe in sanctity and partnership. I know in this world we need togetherness just to survive these times and is a fulfilling part of life...at least in my perspective. I don't do anything half hearted either: I do it completely or not at all. I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm willful, strong, independent to a flaw and know that I don't need anyone but myself...but I want to share my life, love, desires, hurts, beliefs with someone. It's not about not wanting to be alone...it's about not being selfish like these times glorify.
I don't glorify much. Least of all the trials of life and family and motherhood. I know these require work and patience and a will to work through the hard times. I believe that if it comes easy it usually isn't worth much. I don't give up either. I fight to the death so to speak. Maybe...maybe that's it. Maybe this battle has been going on longer than I knew and the warriors are spent and littering the field with their rotten carcases and stinking up the place. And now the remaining knights must retreat limping and bleeding and wander nowhereland since their home has been destroyed beyond repair.
PArt of me says that everything is fixable. Do you rebuild or find a new home?
When is something unfixable? I mean...at what point do you just decide that it's broken beyond repair or the previous repairs haven't fixed the problem? So you have this old car that you love; it's been your best friend through cold winter snow storms and hot summers to the shore, you've belted out dance tunes and sad songs inside it's metal protection on your crusing getaways, but you dump money into every month...when do you send it to the car graveyard and buy a new one? Or when do you decide it's not even worth donating...just chuck it? I'm a tosser. My parents were pack rats so I keep very little and it has to have extreme sentimental value (even then I can sometimes justify the decluttering). So I apparently don't really know how to translate that to my life outside of "things." So I ponder...I would never toss out my child even though I have to leave the room to catch my breath and count to ten sometimes. Or my pets even with their costs and frustrations when they pee outside the litterbox or scratch up the rug. Or my sisters or mother or my family in general if they are having turmoil that conflicts. Or my friends even if they offend me at times. So why then would I even consider that for my partner?
I keep promises. I make committments firmly and dedicate to their fullfillment - sometimes even to my detriment. I believe in sanctity and partnership. I know in this world we need togetherness just to survive these times and is a fulfilling part of life...at least in my perspective. I don't do anything half hearted either: I do it completely or not at all. I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm willful, strong, independent to a flaw and know that I don't need anyone but myself...but I want to share my life, love, desires, hurts, beliefs with someone. It's not about not wanting to be alone...it's about not being selfish like these times glorify.
I don't glorify much. Least of all the trials of life and family and motherhood. I know these require work and patience and a will to work through the hard times. I believe that if it comes easy it usually isn't worth much. I don't give up either. I fight to the death so to speak. Maybe...maybe that's it. Maybe this battle has been going on longer than I knew and the warriors are spent and littering the field with their rotten carcases and stinking up the place. And now the remaining knights must retreat limping and bleeding and wander nowhereland since their home has been destroyed beyond repair.
PArt of me says that everything is fixable. Do you rebuild or find a new home?
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