Officially Official

Strange days have a way of creeping upon you unexpectedly. 

I don’t need to rehash my version of life during the nine (and a half) years spotlighted today.  I don’t have to painfully pick apart the seemingly endless end from its beginning.  I don’t need to wonder what if or why.  It just is and was. 

I remember the moments leading up to finding my strength…my enough…my bottom…my ah-ha…my breaking the glass.  I remember the exact moment in the salty mist of the boardwalk before dusk when it all became clear: when my truth and reality became one.  And I didn’t look back.

I have no regret.

I do have sorrow.  I do have peace.  I do have happiness.  I do have my self.

I remember sitting outside on my steps as the day for moving drew closer.  I would sit on the still cold cement in dawning spring, smiling and crying and feel the weight of those years heavy, yet falling away.  I heard the bird song louder, saw the stars sparkle brighter, felt the wind blowing me forward, tears marking my cheeks and lips upturned.

Today when the paper finally arrived, officially official, all I could do to fight the wave of emotion was to ride it.  Understand it.  Feel it.  Breathe it.  Be it.  Cry it.  Be free with it.

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, yet is ever transmuting.

I’ve been falling for quite some time.  I almost don’t remember what it’s like to stand solidly on the ground, one with Mother Earth, centered.  Fire and water dominated my existence for many years…and I needed their transformative and consuming nature...for creation to occur there must be some destruction – my phoenix rising, my cobra shedding, my butterfly emerging - transmutation.  Now I hear the wind speak slowly, softly in my ear, and a short distance away, floating to the shore, I already smell the green and dirt.

I used to believe that controlling my environment, circumstances, planning to perfection, enabled stability.  The truth is that was an untruth.  Flowing, accepting the natural chaos that is this life, enables a peace and tranquility beyond any false sense of control I once maintained.  I only control myself, my actions and reactions, my perceptions, my dreams, my reality. 

For potential to exist you have to pay attention to the open doors, cracked window, holes and crevices, web of possibility, and take some action, any action in a direction.  You can always take another path at the next crossroads, but movement forward, being present, is necessary.  Failure to move leaves you stagnant, and at least for me lifeless.  I’m about to step onto the shore, dry in the breeze while lying on the grass chasing clouds, breathing the life-sustaining air.

Excitement, fear, the realization of my strength, patience, and capacity for metamorphosis overwhelm me.  A leap that began a long time ago towards the reality of my dreams and hopes rests a few short days away.  A home fit for princesses, a turret and maybe a dragon or two for protection, a life to live awaits me.

Alone

“You’ve been alone since I met you.” 

Truly powerful words.

No matter what quotes or empowering concepts cross my eyes…I struggle embracing them.  Not because I cannot believe, but because I do.  Creating a mind of peace and well-being amidst the big bang of my life leaves little room for reflection.  Analogies…yes those are what I am good at utilizing. 

Standing in the center of a tornado, watching all the pieces of my life swirl in chaotic destruction, wondering how they will all land, and preparing to pick up the pieces.  Some will not survive.

Flowing along the river, picking up momentum, hearing the rapids and falls ahead… I will not steer away, I must go over the edge.  I know there are gentle waters below just beyond the fury of the landing.  Actually I am falling at this moment.  The bottom is farther than I expected.

I see the ruins of my fortress beyond on the green waterside.  I have already begun reconstruction and reinforcement.  I can see myself standing in the turret, protected.  My walls feel heavier than before, crushing almost.  I have to let more air inside.  I’m shaking. 

Alone I stand, surveying the wreckage, the wounds that will leave scars.  The stains inside the walls will require my attention, but not now, not before fortification.  Perhaps I need their reminder.  Maybe I need dragons. 

Enough with the dramatic monologue.  Right.

Alone.  Alone is strength.  No matter how many warriors choose to fight along-side of me…I alone hold my sword, live with my memory, face my demons, feel my pain.  No one can do more than carry me from the battlefield and dress my wounds with care and love.  My hope, my healing, my resolve comes from within: me alone.