Crippling pain

My frustration and irritation grew. I begn sniping and sulking. I couldn't move or enjoy my bundle of joy (and I was set that she hated her mother anyways) and a return to the office was peaking over the horizon...I was perched atop the roller coaster...and I don't like roller coasters.

I tried the theory that movement would loosen me up. I suggested to myself that I needed to move more instead of just snuggling my wee one. I had grown quite fond of staying in bed or on the couch talking and nuzzling my quickly growing angel. I didn't want to do much more than that no matter what else I should be doing, including grocery shopping and household chores. But I needed to move merely to remind myself that I could do it.

I wouldn't take the baby out of the house with me, especially if I was alone. I couldn't grasp how I could manage the shopping and the baby. What if she started screaming? What if I had a spazm and couldn't carry her? I had to plan my trips out around my husband or mother's availability and in between feedings...no small task I can assure you. If my husband was delayed or my mother could not come over I was instantly caught between rage and fearful tears, paralyzing any rational thought left in my brain. I yelled and screamed or cried uncontrolably at everyone else's inablity to understand I needed to go to the grocery store at that second and how could they be late or have forgotten.

Instead of grabbing the little one and taking her to her first shopping trip I would hold her and sulk and feel betrayed and let down and o so many emotions that I still haven't come to define yet. What I hadn't realized was that the pain in my body was working in conjunction with my declining mental state and I was crippling myself both mentally and physically. And instead of those around me comprehending my downward spiral they became equally frustrated with the missing me. My husband would get pissy and walk away and even disappear for several hours "doing something"; my sisters tried to come and help out, but there was only so much they could do other than suggest I get to a doctor. My mom was already becoming self absorbed in her own drama -- no job and losing the house soon...which later on will become my icing.

Each day I counted down to my return to the office. I started panicing because I didn't want to leave my precious. For the first time in my life I wanted to be at home. I could barely walk, I didn't want to leave the house, and I was starting to cry...all the time.