Double Negative

I feel verbally empty...bahahah...yeah like that is possible.  In reality I just feel silent.  It's not like I have nothing to say, but my voice betrays language currently.  I am caught between an emerging me and the me of my yesterdays.  It's not that I miss the concept of an old me, I feel lost in the whirl of the up-and-coming me.

I hear the philosopher echoing in the folds of grey within my skull; I sense the rage of a college student finding her principles;  I see the strength of a mommy with convitions and hopes; I taste the honey of dreams; yet I smell the pain of age and financial strain and confusion.  I envy the young...wait...what did I just say...young...when did I become not young?!  I believe middle age came a knocking and my mommy brain didn't think to ignore the visitor as if it were a collections agent.  What trickery!  I am not mourning my pre-baby self, I am lamenting my youth.  WTF!  Now let's think for a minute...I am not old, but i am no longer young, and that my friend is a fact. 

The saying goes with age comes wisdom.  Raised to respect others, especially my elders - they've been there done that...they know a thing or two - I believed that saying whole-heartedly.  Now I cynically view the general population as idiots that become more ignorant by the hour.  Wisdom where for art thou? Deeply entrenched in the workforce my elders morphed into peers in a blink, and I find it difficult to respect these same people whom I looked up to when I witness bad behavior, disrespect, arrogance, rudeness, stupiditity, and I could go on, but will spare myself and you.

Every human is fragile.  Perhaps by physical health, mental state, emotional situation, whatever their edge...there exists that moment when we realize that we are susceptible, gossamer beings.  Our nature evolved, originally, by protecting each others threads, yet once we reached the pinnacle of compassion we began to spiral into de-evolution and capitolized on another's frailty...any fracture or spindle solicits an attack.  I am disgusted.

I corrolate my disgust to age.  It was ok to be an independent sprite in high school, an elitist in college, a powerhouse after graduation, but then somewhere along the way I pondered me.  I shiver at the realization that at some moment I will no longer breath.  I miss my little girl, husband, sisters, mother and the rest of family and friends to an ache much like missing my father.  I understand the importance of a family and the courage of life and accept that priorities adjust and change and realign for good reason.  What escapes my comprehension involves those that fail to grown themselves, see blindly, and travel life without looking outside.  I also despise sheeple and hope that I can raise my daughter to not one herself....let's not go there today.

So...silence...oblivion...muteness...me?  Yes.  I find myself often in a place of polar points...at once verbal and assertive and contemplative and mute.  At times I can stop myself from a tirade or blasting bandwagon and propoganda, then at others I crawl into my void and philosophize.  I sometimes think I am too quiet, especially around my daughter.  She evokes a depth of meditation that I cannot verbalize.  I enjoy the smiles and cuddles, scoff at the defiance, and revel in motherhood...I fall profoundly into my abyss...which at the moment is a positive place. 

Darkness need not be bad, scary, morbid, hurtful: it can offer healing, safety, realignment, comfort.  I hear the pendulum mark the passing of the sand.  I feel the pain of the dunes slowing me and the rocks weigh me, but I am far from my destination...yet I accept that the easiest of my days are behind me.