More than a month past...should I apologize for being away. I'm sorry. Really. Every day I log in and then log out. Or just stare at the link, debating what to do with it. I'm confused perhaps. Have I gotten shy all of a sudden? Do I not want to share my secrets? Am I just so different that I don't feel I belong here any longer? None of that for truth.
When the fog started to lift I wanted to take in all the clarity, and I believed the more distance I put the easier it would be to comprehend. I am afraid that I was incorrect. The more time that passes the less sense I can make. The pain still jabs and I want to cry for those days yesterday, and now I want to cry for those days tomorrow. I found a new pain...the growing kind.
Anya has gone from tettering to running in moments. She gives tude and responds to what she's asked to do even though she can't really talk back. Her grunts and screams and limited sign language at a minimum help us to meander through the new connections her brain makes, and by the way I think we're getting close to those first words. She's developed a personality with a rainbow of color with her squishy smile and belly giggles. She takes running leaps and crashes to the floor; she tastes food, discarding what she doesn't like that moment as dog food - yet chooses to sneak dog food out of the bowl as a treat; she gives hugs and kisses, then turns biting, pinching and pulling like Jekyll and Hyde.
This little creature never stops.
Hubby got a part time job (thank the universe!), and maybe now the financial devestation can start to rebuild - just before total ruin. We're adjusting to the new schedule. She loves her Wednesday nanny; and, we love our Wednesday nanny. Freyja on the other hand is making the day a little too noisy, and we hope she adjusts to our weekly house guest soon - who wants a bark collar! The daily routine changes so there is never a bored blink, making it very difficult to get Anya's routine set. Poor kid, no wonder she's become so demanding. Poor mom and dad really.
Work is work and most days I have to remind myself that without my job Anya will have to live in a box under the county line bridge. Not an option. I still hate being away from her. I miss so much, and I think some of her lashing out at me is because she doesn't get enough time with me. I feel guilty. I don't want to be super mom nor do I need to be. I just want to be mom right now. But life sees it differently.
I catch myself having to change the song on the radio, like when Live, Lightening Crashes, comes on, because the words make my heart hurt. I have to change the channel on my favorite shows, like CSI and Criminal Minds, because they remind me of the dangers out there. I want revolution for this; I want to bitch smack that person; I think this person deserves the chair (mind you I'm anti-death penalty); I fear that natural disasters might separate me from my child or I can't get to her; there is terror when I think about someone grabbing her in that second I blinked; I can't stand stupidity. Now none of this paralyzes me as it did before, but Im becoming hyper vigilant...just as exhasuting.
I've got myself on good vitamins. I've started dancing again, and even got a gig teaching belly dance once a week. Who would have thought. I have to admit I needed that confidence boost. Now if I'm working out at home or lesson planning Anya tries to mimick me or turns off the TV video.
I do feel much more human than I have in 2 years. I am forcing my body to move even when it hurts...sometimes I win. A sense of humor, one of my prodigal sentiments, started to assimilate back into my emotional responses. Wow that feels good. I don't like being so serious. Maybe it's just that I can partake freely of my vodka and coffee again. What ever it is...thank you...my family thanks you...and maybe my friends will like me again. It's clean up time.
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