Stripped of Value

So my experiment has failed and the answer is, no, 1 voice cannot be heard in a crowd of a billion.  Pity, really, I was looking forward to some good debate and action-oriented sentiment and a bit if a rally.  I'm not that surprised, honestly, zombies are too self-absorbed to listen for that falling tree.

Post Partum evokes a cloud and suffocating and general confusion and fear.  Regular misery and sorrow bring about something slightly different - similar to emotions on ADD.  Once again I am faced with the fragile reality of my state of mind (or self - as the case may be).  For the duration of my working life I have always, when the opportunity existed, taken the last two weeks of the year as vacation, a time to recharge, my summer vacation - since I never can afford to take holiday in the sunshine.  I have worked for the same person for 13 of these working years and have always taken this time off.  Suddenly, after two months prior approval, five days before my much anticipated vacation is about to begin, I am informed that it is unusual for him to have approved 2 weeks since he feels it's a support hole and feels that I need to warm a seat.  Now mind you I have a company supplied blackberry and laptop and am very reachable in the event that something cannot wait for my return.  I am, to say the least, devastated.

I have earned the support of my boss over years of hard work, determination and dedication.  The only time in my life that I have been a less than stellar employee was during the throes of my post partum suffering.  I have worked double time since then, been available 24/7, cancelled vacation days, worked while sick, at 10 pm, during dinner, while I had plans with my daughter...you name it I have bent over front and back to prove that I am and have worth (contrary to what resembled a preformance appraisal during post partum hell).  I know the man is busy, but this is no way to treat a valued employee who has earned the time she is entitled to, he has stopped listening to the world around him, become so PC as to be un-PC.  After 13 years, wouldn't I have known of a 1 week at a time rule?  After 13 years, and 5 years in the same position, wouldn't we have this all worked out by now? 

I spent the day in between tears and confusion yesterday.  I spent my evening in between anger and deep breaths.  I spent my night tossing and turning and generally suffocating and becoming frozen in the tundra of the new American Life.  I tuned into some old friends that kept me company in the darkness of my search for me, the death of my father, my education.  I wallowed in the comforting place of music and memories.  This morning I drove into work with A Perfect Circle at top volume blanking my brain to allow some numbness to cleanse my thoughts.  I'm sitting here at my desk with a resentment and scorn for a person I have always respected and valued and a job I used to love.  I don't have any more to give. 

I'm tired of being sad and unhappy.  I'm exhausted to my core.  Some days I don't feel like it's worth it, and if it wasn't for my little angel I wouldn't make it to see the dawn.  And then I get it.  Or think I may.  My working problems only began with my pregnancy and have continued since.  A friend asked if I am perhaps giving less than I used to or is it obvious that my priority is no longer work.  The answer is no, I work harder and longer, but perhaps the flaw is not in my work but in someone else's perception of a working mom.  I'm afraid to step here.  This is territory that screams danger.  Usually I take that step because I like the good old fashion debate, pushing the envelope to remind people to think and use logic and reality to stop being controlled and led blindly, and to make sure that the little person is not stepped on and beaten down.  But here...I am most afraid.  The implications are serious and the fall out too dangerous for my family that is already one breath away from drowning.

Panic in the Dark

8 weeks have come and gone. I can't believe how much she has already grown. From 6 pounds to 9 pounds in the blink of an eye. She's finally out of her newborn clothes in her 0-3. So cute to have her in adorable dresses and not just onezies, and o how many pictures can a doating new mom take? Thousands!

8 weeks have come and gone. O crap! I only have 4 more weeks, one more month, I'm one third of the way through my maternity...and the income is gone...no more pay - we're eating through the income tax return now and still managing, but...for how much longer is anyone's guess. I haven't really paid much attention to the bills and our finances, and that was always my job. The accounts seem high enough, but once nothing else comes in...we're in trouble. But I only have 4 more weeks home with my precious baby.

8 weeks and you would think I'd be ready for some adult interaction, some decent clothes, and a day out of the house. No way! You can't make me leave her. I don't want to go anywhere without her by my side. Actually I just don't want to go anywhere. I'm so comfortable at home on the couch, in bed, sitting at the table. Beside I hurt too much...how am I going to make the drive and sit all day. O this is not good...I can feel it...the wave of panic and tears. Good thing I'm alone and no one sees me clutching my little one like it was our last moments on Earth and me sobbing and rocking just imagining that first day away.

8 weeks, time to load my next batch of pictures onto the computer. While I'm at it I'll check my work email: clean out the junk mail, and forward any misdirected issues...it's been 8 weeks and I bet...yep...hundreds of emails in my inbox. Most are easy to delete...stupid junk mail. A few need to be sent to someone because I'm not working on anything I don't "have" to. And the rest get filed as FYIs. Whew...not as scary as it could have been...eveyone knows I'm on maternity, and I'm grateful that they don't pester me and take time from my angel. And then..."I'm not sure who I need to send this to, however, the current temp working for you has accepted a full time position elsewhere, and her last day will be a week from this Friday. Please let me know if I can send someone else in her place." What?!

8 weeks. I'm NOT going back early. No way. But wait...I need some income and I have a brilliant idea. I call HR and then send an email to my boss. I will work from home part time for the last three weeks of my maternity in exchange for the ability to work from home 2 days a week through the month of June. YAY. I can ease my way back into work, and maybe get excited to go back, and then I get to be home 2 days a week. Nice. I can do this. Really I can. Rich has a temp job so I'll work from home on the days he needs to work his temp...the perfect situation.

8 weeks and I only have 2 weeks left of total, 100% baby time left. We need the money, and I need to refocus again. I don't think I put the baby down for 2 weeks. I just held her and cried.