Of Mice and Moors

Romeo and Juliet - star crossed lovers - destined for destruction and misery...no Cinderella tale for them.  And I begin contemplate Disney versus Shakespeare.

Both Juliet and Cinderella were high born, and both were banned from their love.  Romeo from perhaps the other side of the tracks or the opposing palace, depending on whose interpretation you ascribe, and Prince Charming, ruler of the kingdom.  Why does Cinderella live happily ever after, but Juliet suffer death and pain?  Is Disney to blame for our perpetual belief that it will all work out in the end or that we will find gold at the end of the rainbow?  Was Shakespeare the realist that kept the population in check from run-away fantasies and behavior? 

The comparisons and contradictions zip around behind my eyes.  I'm not able to focus...so I wonder...am I to be Juliet or Cinderella.

I always tell my husband that if it's not worth fighting for it isn't worth anything at all, and I believe we are worth fighting for.  Then he replies that he doesn't believe in fighting for anything, you should just walk away - this coming from a man with some anger issues that have been a source of legal trouble for him in the past - does he even know who he is.  There in lies the fundamental difference in our foundations.  By nature I am a peacemaker, but when it comes to something I believe in my battle gear comes out.  Perhaps I should look to our modern love stories as well if I am going to blame our books and movies on our perceptions...in today's world we always see the guy fighting to win over his lady.  We consider this chivalrous and manly and honorable because those that don't always lose.  We say this is romance and that is what it's all about.  So again we have the venus versus mars syndrome.

It takes 2 to make any relationship work, but not 50/50.  A wise person once explained to me that a relationship is 70/30...at any time one person is pulling 70 and the other 30, then at another time it is reversed.  So why then do we perpetually expect 50/50...come on now...this has nothing to do with equality.  So when trying to maintain the relationship and survive the hurdles life throws does someone throw in the towel instead of pulling their 70 (or 30) percent of the current burden.  We all need a hand at some point...and aren't you supposed to be able to rely on your better half?

I'm so tired of the lemons....I hate lemonade.  I don't really feel I have the right to complain since there are others far worse off than I and with situations out of a nightmare instead of daily life dredgery.  I will allow myself the disappointment and saddness though...I am human.  Time to eat an apple or prick my finger or something like that....I'm keeping away from the damned spots because they never end well.

I'm not letting general assholeness ruin my holidays

I'm still here.  Long vacation, eh...lost a little in life's labrynth.  I could apologize, but really I don't have to.  I've wanted so many times to drop in and leave a note...but I found I was too happy to write, too tired to elaborate, too angry to articulate, just not today.  Today, however, I feel the need to complain, generally vent, be the ass I am and share my dirty laundry.

When is something unfixable?  I mean...at what point do you just decide that it's broken beyond repair or the previous repairs haven't fixed the problem?  So you have this old car that you love; it's been your best friend through cold winter snow storms and hot summers to the shore, you've belted out dance tunes and sad songs inside it's metal protection on your crusing getaways, but you dump money into every month...when do you send it to the car graveyard and buy a new one?  Or when do you decide it's not even worth donating...just chuck it?  I'm a tosser.  My parents were pack rats so I keep very little and it has to have extreme sentimental value (even then I can sometimes justify the decluttering).  So I apparently don't really know how to translate that to my life outside of "things."  So I ponder...I would never toss out my child even though I have to leave the room to catch my breath and count to ten sometimes.  Or my pets even with their costs and frustrations when they pee outside the litterbox or scratch up the rug.  Or my sisters or mother or my family in general if they are having turmoil that conflicts.  Or my friends even if they offend me at times.  So why then would I even consider that for my partner? 

I keep promises.  I make committments firmly and dedicate to their fullfillment - sometimes even to my detriment.  I believe in sanctity and partnership.  I know in this world we need togetherness just to survive these times and is a fulfilling part of life...at least in my perspective.  I don't do anything half hearted either: I do it completely or not at all.  I'm fully capable of taking care of myself.  I'm willful, strong, independent to a flaw and know that I don't need anyone but myself...but I want to share my life, love, desires, hurts, beliefs with someone.  It's not about not wanting to be alone...it's about not being selfish like these times glorify.

I don't glorify much.  Least of all the trials of life and family and motherhood.  I know these require work and patience and a will to work through the hard times.  I believe that if it comes easy it usually isn't worth much.  I don't give up either.  I fight to the death so to speak.  Maybe...maybe that's it.  Maybe this battle has been going on longer than I knew and the warriors are spent and littering the field with their rotten carcases and stinking up the place.  And now the remaining knights must retreat limping and bleeding and wander nowhereland since their home has been destroyed beyond repair. 

PArt of me says that everything is fixable.  Do you rebuild or find a new home?