Whose life is this? I don't recognize it. I don't know who I am or where I'm going or how to be. Part of my identity crisis is natural. Part of my identity crisis is contrived. I can't look back and I can't look forward...so I peek to my side to beware getting side swiped.
The whole of motherhood and marriage are misunderstood. Perhaps I was raised too old world. Maybe the modern world scares me. Possibly my dream world sucked me in too far. By chance I watched too much Disney. All I know is that the idependent, strong willed, stable, multi-tasker finds herself lost, confused, scared, anxiety-ridden, and out of sorts. Everything that I once believed in seems false and lies.
It's not so dark here anymore, but definitly overcast with a passing chance of monsoon. I spend each moment on the brink. I'm aware of my facade this time. I know I'm fragile. I wonder if I just snapped and am broken enough to walk the line. I feel the swell of panic resting below the surface...I can see its reflection shimmer in the breeze. I'm mechanical and purposeful. I just have to get through the next moment.
My temper is back and so is my drive for control. I have to stop them. I don't know how. I am numb or rage...watch yourself I might bite, but I'll retreat again - don't worry. This is the place I was before and thought I was safe and free; I don't want to be here again. I know I thought it was sun before, but turned out to be a pebble glistening in the moonlight...trickery.
This holiday for kings hangs out behind my eyes. I can tune in and chill as often as I like. It feels nice to be enveloped in this rainbow of fancy. Sound and vision are focused inside, and I can hide from the demons that dance their voodoo around me. Problem is I have things to do, Lucy. That's how I know I'm teetering. I teeter at the office, I teeter at home. I teeter.
Anxiety. Panic. Anxiety. Panic. Anxiety. I know that's what this is. This teetering. The silly images and dreams that put fear in my head. This isn't healthy fear...this is nightmare fear. I have visions of disaster striking my child or my family. Everything is unsafe and a potential emergency. I'm in a perpetual state of just teetering. I have enough sense to know these are unreasonable, but I can't name them to control them. I used to be able to call my fears by name and send them out to eternal damnation in nothingness. I was powerful over them. I wonder if Alice can help me. I'm afraid of Alice helping me.
I have to stay afloat. I have to find solid land. I have to find me.
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